Thursday, October 4, 2012

Two entries from before the blog...

The insides...

Journal Entry |
Needless to say, yesterday i was a bit of a mess. By "bit of a mess", i mean "complete and utter emotional basket case". i kept telling myself i couldn't make myself get over the sadness i felt in my heart. Lucky was very sweet, and patient with me, but He was getting frustrated. With good reason. It wasn't that i couldn't make myself feel better, more that i wouldn't. Sometimes it's just easier to wallow, or to let yourself be caught up in a wave of bad emotion, than it is to pull yourself together. i didn't allow anything He said (reasonable as it was) to penetrate the muck that was in my head. i simply couldn't give over to trusting that He knew best, and that the shitty thought processes were coming from a place of fear, a fear that He would have taken from me if i had allowed it.

Who am i to think that He can't have power over my emotions? How can i be so stubborn as to simply refuse to allow Him to make me feel better?

The turning point came when (i think He was just fed up with me) Lucky made me put on pink sunglasses. Rosy outlook and all that. i felt so damn silly that i had to crack a smile. Which put a crack in the wall of ick i had built. And it all started to come tumbling down. i realized that all of the badness i felt was something i was making for myself, not an inevitability.

Whether you say you can or you say you can''re right.

i have a tendency to get rather overwhelmed emotionally. Little things build up on the inside, and i just 'splode everywhere. It's rather unbecoming, and Sir definitely doesn't appreciate it, but it's something i've done for so long, i simply don't know how to quit. Lucky says it's something we need to work on, but i'm not sure how to go about it. For now, when i feel that wave welling up inside me, i will quietly repeat my mantra to myself, i find it soothing and it will surely help.

i know it's a process, but i can't help but feel frustration that though my enslavement is easy on the outside, it hasn't quite permeated all of my inside. i can only hope that it will improve in depth and breadth through my spirit, and i will be able to completely give over to His will in my thoughts and emotions, especially when i fall into that overwhelmed icky place.
In time.

And now for something completely different...

Journal Entry |
Saturday i had an(other) occurence of allowing my emotional state to yank control away from Sir, and refusing to align myself with His will and not wallow in that semi-hysterical, irrational space.

Yesterday Sir announced He would be moving in a different direction with me. His dominion over me is about to become much stricter. Up until this point, i had enjoyed a rather high privilege level, although i can't say that i have necessarily earned such. i also can't say that this news doesn't make me a bit apprehensive. Is the unknown, and knowing the unknown won't necessarily be as...well...pleasant as the present situation. So there was the initial foreboding.

Behind that little twinge of fear is a feeling of an odd kind of shame. The realization that i don't much deserve how liberal He has been with me, and of how i have allowed myself to nearly become complacent in my service to Him, puts this little pit in my stomach that screams "this is going to be a whole load of NOT fun, and it's your just comeuppance!" It made me even more nervous, because i know that no matter how difficult (whatever it is) will be, THAT is what i've merited, not the permissive environment i've been in.

The next part of my inner process surprised me. I had expected the first two emotional pieces, they made sense. What i was not prepared for was the sudden rush of desire for a more overt imposition of His will. i am having trouble grasping how i jumped from fear and shame to an only slightly uncomfortable anticipation. i also don't quite understand how it happened so seamlessly, as if it were a natural progression.

i don't know if that eagerness will last as the process wears on. i had stumbled across the Theory of Reactance and had the sudden thought that Sir has to work very hard to make me everything He wants me to be, and i am so very fortunate that He is willing to put in the time and effort to make me such. If i can keep that in my thoughts even when i can't help but having moments of resistance to His will and plans, then i think, maybe, i'll be ok.

“When someone beats a rug,
the blows are not against the rug,
but against the dust in it.”

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