Bear with me, dear Reader, as i try to unscramble my thinking, here.
i’ve been finding it very difficult to accept when Sir turns down my
sexual advances. At first i thought that perhaps i was trying to retain
some control over our sex life, but i seem to have stumbled across a
greater problem. i feel rejected. Not just in an “am i not sexy enough
for Him to want me?” kind of way, although that’s certainly there, but
as a person. i’ve always affirmed that i would want to be with someone
who cares for me as a whole person, based on more than physical
attraction, which is what i have, now, but when Sir doesn’t want “it” at
the moment, i feel as if He doesn’t want me. Could it be that
during the course of my sexual lifetime, i’ve evaluated my worth in the
relationship based on how sexually attractive my partner perceived me to
be? If so, and i consider it a very real possibility, (albeit one that i
considered myself “above” somehow, before now) how do i change that
pattern with Sir?
i try not to get all pouty and hurt when Sir turns me down. Somehow, i
always fail in that regard. i know, when Sir wants me, He will have me,
but what about the rest of the time? How do i deal with the feeling of
rejection, there? Intellectually, i know that He isn’t rejecting me as a
person, just the act (at the time), but knowing it is difficult to
internalize. i suppose the easiest route is to remind myself that i am
here for His pleasure, not mine, and if He doesn’t have a mind to
be…well…pleasured, at that time, then it really, honestly, doesn’t have
much to do with me, at all.
Why is that so difficult?
My apologies, dear Reader, if that hurt your brain to read as much as it hurt mine to write.
End of late night ramblings and racing thoughts. Good Night.
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