Thursday, October 4, 2012
Almost easy eggs and other affairs.
i’ve been working on my behaviours relating to my emotional lability, and a real test came this morning.
Ah, weekend breakfast. Y’know, the key to a really good breakfast is timing everything perfectly. Trying to do that is an incredibly frustrating undertaking. Usually by the end of it pans are “accidentally” crashing about, i get all discombobulated, drop things, generally want to tear my hair out… -sigh-
Sir doesn’t like angry eggs. He’s told me so. i really try not to lose my shit when there’s a million things happening at once, and sometimes i fail miserably.
i did it, though! Totally calm the whole time, and when toast came up early, eggs yolks broke, and bacon acted in an impertinent manner, i just let it go. Music helped. Everyone’s plates served up, and we all settle down to eat.
All i can hear is eating noises. i couldn’t deal. i didn’t want to say anything, if i opened my mouth i didn’t know what it would sound like. i was getting shaky, i think my slice of bacon was trying to strangle me, too. Quietly i took my plate to the back porch to finish my breakfast. It felt like the only option, everyone was enjoying themselves and i didn’t want to ruin it by freaking out.
i shed a tear or two, i won’t lie, tried not to pick, gave up on my food, lit a cigarette, tried to still myself. Being calm is a lot of fucking work, i don’t know how Sir is all cool and collected as He is. Breathing. Letting that emotion just flow through me instead of washing over my head. It was an odd feeling, after. There’s a very big difference between drained and just…hollow, but i for the life of me have no way to tell what makes it so.
i have been very productive, though, preliminary packing is done, and once i get a last couple loads of laundry done i can pack all of the clothes. A last bit of cleaning and the double and triple checks, sweeping for missed items. Four days ’til Rope Camp, and so much left to do. Being this busy feels really nice, actually, after the painful break in service.
Oh, and that. This past week has been something. After that bit of complaining i had about so much service (wah), i wouldn’t have been the least bit surprised if Sir had tightened down on my chores and all that. He didn’t, though. Of a sudden i found myself with little to no demands on me. Sir is cunning as hell, that hurt. It was a couple of days before i started tearing into the chores of my own volition, and another couple before i broke and begged Him to allow me to serve Him as before.
It felt so good to be able to serve like that again. So good, that it took me a while to notice that other than allowing me to serve Him or using my holes, Sir wasn’t really interacting with me much. He’s been busy with work, but even in His downtime i more often was much like a shadow.
When Sir was done with me for the night, i mentioned His perceived distance. He mocked me, gently, “Oh, I’m not paying attention to you?” i blushed, immediately feeling rather foolish. He drew me close, and told me that He will keep me, and He loves me, and sometimes He’ll ignore me. It was a tough pill to swallow, that, it took a few minutes, but like almost all bitter medicine, i felt better in the morning.
Overall, i’ve had a pretty fine Saturday morning.
i need an afternoon second wind, though, and the stress monkey does not like being in a cage. ^.^