Thursday, October 4, 2012
My head has been all sorts of screwy (no need to say ‘why’ at this juncture) and i’ve been more than a little freaked out. Being in that state pretty much has two options:
1) Tell Sir what’s going on in there (the mental transparency that is expected of me) so He can try to fix it.
2) Don’t talk about it, and act a damn fool.
i mean, i’m not saying i amunable to behave myself when there is nothing but chaos between my ears, but that just seems to be the way it plays out. So which avenue, dear Reader, do you think i went with?
Of course i did.
And to no small degree, either. i can honestly say that for a few days past (not counting yesterday, i did all right there) i have been truly at my worst, and it hasn’t been pretty. Sir has been pretty furious with me on more than one occasion, and with good reason. It took me up ’til yesterday afternoon to tell Him what was bothering me so much, how i ended up spinning out of control, and instantly i felt better. Why i didn’t do it sooner…-sigh-
It should be easy, to do something like that, but time and again i find myself obsessing over things without giving Him the access to mind He requires. Especially considering that it truly is for my own good, and i’ve seen the evidence of that more than once. i suppose it’s one of those lessons i seem to need to learn over a lot. One would think it would only needs be once…
So, i am slowly, shakily, finding my way back to center, to where i’m supposed to be. Sir has instituted some measures to keep me thinking more clearly, and although He is incredibly disappointed in His girl, He has been very kind in guiding me back there. Mostly i am struggling with getting over the guilt, my actions haunt me, and i’m trying not to let it depress me overmuch, because Sir desires for me to move forward, but there’s a lot of shame in my heart, right now. i think sometimes moving on from an episode like this feels akin to digging oneself out of a grave.
Then again, it seems like i keep running headfirst into brick walls of my own making, so mayhap it’s more like recovering from a concussion. For the third time this month.