Thursday, October 4, 2012

Constituting the Realm of Control


On what is compulsive:

i am, literally, figuratively, and shamefully, a “picker”. Not only am i overanalytic and obsessive over minutae, i apparently have some form of dermatillomania. There’s tumblrs, i’m guessing they are really icky. i didn’t go. (i was afraid to look.) Sir has been reminding me to not engage in that behavior, but to be honest, dear Reader, i haven’t been getting any better. i’m trying to reframe it as an obedience issue, instead of just considering it a problem that has always been and always will be, as something outside His control. i know Sir has the power to change my habits, but (and there’s where we go wrong, i suppose, with the but) this is so much more than a habit, it’s just…what i’ve always done. Innate. That sounds like whiny voice to my eyes, too.

On what is instinctive:

my argument is pretty much invalid. Modern civilization is proof positive that the human species has been able to overcome their base instincts, right? i don’t necessarily think so. The instinct for self-preservation is a pretty powerful one. But does that betray a modicum of distrust for Him? i want to be as unmoving as if bound. i don’t mean to flinch. To obey, to be still, is counterintuitive, but not impossible for Him to get. i just have to let my fear be less than my devotion to Him.

Why do those look so much like…excuses?

i know there are habits of mine that He will break, bits of me He will mold to His vision, and parts He will simply polish. i wish for these things because they will make me more perfect for Him. Thinking there is anything He cannot change is the only thing that stands in the way of Him changing it.

Today, i will believe that no part of me, no matter how inherent it may seem, is outside His realm of control. Just because something has been, or is, out of my control does not mean it isn’t under His.

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