Wednesday, July 3, 2013

When i cannot kneel, He commands me to sit.

In Connecticut, 2008 i was bitten by a tick and was diagnosed with Lyme Disease (without a blood test, as my entire body was covered in EM rashes). In a serious lapse of judgement, I did not finish the prescribed course of antibiotics.  i was 21, invincible, and i felt fine. i had since moved to another state and seen multiple doctors for knee pain and swelling that they "could not explain". One suggested cortisone shots or exploratory surgery, another prescribed narcotic painkillers. None would even entertain the idea that my inflamed, painful knees, a classic sign, could possibly be caused by Lyme. i suffered from headache, debilitating fatigue and a degeneration in cognitive function, though i never consulted a physician on those issues. i figured i was just getting old(er).

On the second weekend in June, we took a trip to visit my family in Connecticut. i was on the lookout for ticks, but when i returned i discovered a tick attached to my hip area. i removed it, and kept an eye onthe site. I was alert for any signs of Lyme, and after two days of aches, fatigue, and knee and neck pain, i once again discovered multiple EM rashes, and went to the ER on June 27. The doctor immediately recognized the infection, and upon hearing my history, grudgingly wrote "active and possibly recurring Lyme Disease" on my papers. i was prescribed an antibiotic course of 100mg Doxycycline, twice a day, for 21 days. i was discharged with instructions to consult with a physician after 5 days of antibiotic treatment if symptoms did not improve.

It is now day 6, and i feel worse than i did the day i walked two blocks to the nearby ER. i couldn't walk that far today if there were zombies about (although they may mistake me for one of their own), and yesterday i could barely crawl up the stairs. The doctor we consulted with said this was a classic Herxheimer reaction, a glaring sign that Lyme Disease has disseminated through my body. It will need to be treated aggressively in order to rid my body of those nasty bugs, once and for all.

We've begun the process of getting to see a specialist, and we're preparing to fight this. Treatment will affect our family, personally and financially. i'm concerned about the impact it will have. i'm afraid of the rollercoaster ride of feeling well and really unwell that will come with healing myself.  i'm afraid of infusing my body with a rather long term high dose of what i consider poison (antibiotic seems more like pesticide than medicine, to me). Don't think this hippie hasn't thought of alternatives. Sir says "better living through chemistry" and even though the doctor is all for integrative medicine, i will at most be allowed to augment homeopathically.

For all my fears, i feel incredibly blessed. i could have been condemned to a lifetime of pain, exhaustion, and lower quality of life. Being reinfected has given me a chance to avert that fate, rectify a mistake of five years ago, and possibly reverse some of the damage. There's been many a night where i've moved to kneel at Sir's feet, and He could see the pain on my face, for all my efforts to shield it. He would command me to sit, instead. Hopefully, with a lot of hard work, there will come a day where there won't be any pain to try to hide.

Hell, i may even start rock climbing again! ^.^

 Sir is commanding me to "sit" on a much more global scale. i'm not allowed to do much of anything. He's mixing His own drinks. i think i would struggle more with it if i could hold my arms up for a whole minute. i guess i would be on here more, with all the
sitting, but i can't seem to defog my brain enough to participate meaningfully in any discussions.

 If all that couldn't be unfortunate enough, with the uncertainty of the scope and scale of the Herxheimer reaction and the general ickiness that comes with twice daily antibiotics, i will be unable to attend my super-duper excellent favourite thing of the WHOLE YEAR, Rope Camp. i has a major sad.

Bummer. :(

At this time, all i can focus on is this path to healing. There's a long hard road ahead of us, and i ask that my friends send me some love and light, i need it now.