Monday, December 3, 2012

iftaḥ simsim

iftaḥ simsim

"i just don't like anyone's hands touching me...down there..."

"Anyone's but MINE, you mean."

i didn't squirm away, or hastily clamp my thighs together, every time, but Sir knew i had locked myself away inside, far away from where His hands were exploring. He stopped. He didn't have to, He has that right to do something whether i want it or not, but He did. He wants me to like this thing, not grit my teeth and bear it.

"Just relax", He said, as His hand settled onto me, His elbow gently nudging a protective knee aside. i took a deep breath, to quell the panic. i was fighting to not go screaming back to that dark, unspeakable place. The place i would tell anyone i had left behind, a place of paralyzing fear. The wrong place. i take another deep breath.

For a moment, i'm awestruck by how BIG His hand seemed, like He was cradling the whole of me in His palm. i let the warmth of it flow through my skin. Finally, i can meet His eyes. "Open". It's nearly a whisper.

Muladhara, and the rest of me, burst open like like a spring flower kissed by sunlight. i never even knew how cold it had been. For the first time in memory there wasn't any fear. i was safe in His hands.

A hundred million moments lived in that instant. There was sensuality, a sense of security, lust, confidence, forgiveness, healing, stability, awe, love. It is times like these when He breaks me, blows me apart to remake me into something stronger, more beautiful.

This morning i was quiet, as i usually am after He cracks me wide open. It's a little death and a big rebirth, and i'm still raw, fresh and brand new. He draws me close and tells me how proud of me He is, "you always handle the really hard stuff so well". He kisses my forehead, and i am utterly content.

i am not so much a warrior when He hurts me more than i thought i could take, than when He heals me more than i think i can stand.

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