Trust

i claim to trust You. i like to believe i do. The fact is, i do trust You.

…sorta.

“ i know Him, and He wouldn’t do anything that would damage His property. You have to trust your Owner. “ i’ve vehemently declared.

As loudly as i protest, i just don’t trust You like that. Sorry.

i don’t trust You to expertly manage our lives, or to even do so especially well.

i trust that when You do drop the ball, fuck up our spot, or fail to spot looming disaster, You’ll do Your damnedest to fix it.

i don’t trust that You won’t break the masterpiece You’re trying to create.

i trust that You will pick up the pieces and try again.

i don’t trust You to not fall apart, break down, blow up. We’re all a little mad sometimes.

i trust You to allow me to endure and soothe those pains.

That kind of implicit trust i was seeking, and how i sought it, was really making a demand on You, i think. For You to not make mistakes, to never be entirely self-serving or even (gasp!) careless.
Requiring You to be stronger, smarter, bigger and better than me, all the time. How it pained me to not have that kind of faith in You, where i had no fear.

You wanted that perfect trust from me, and how could i not have it? You’ve given me everything else. You’re the rock i cling to, my world. i have no reason not to trust You, never been given one, really. i guess i can only trust another just so far. i don’t trust myself to not be afraid. i think i will forever worry, about everything.

Yet, i trust in us.

i trust that i will be joyfully (or fearfully, sometimes), walk this path with You, over obstacles with courage and at an easy pace with gratitude. i trust that if Your lead brings us to the very depths of despair, that i will have the strength to follow. i trust that if i can’t keep up, You will help (drag) me along, let me rest, carry me when i can go no further. i trust that even if You lose the map, You’ll note every wrong turn. i trust that if You take us off a safe road and we both end up broken and bleeding at the bottom of a ravine, that we will claw our way out and mend together.

The terrain is rough, the woods are dark, and the dangers many. i trust that this is our road to walk together, even if our walking together sometimes looks like blind stumbling. i trust we will get to where we need to go, no matter how we end up getting there.

So when You pounce on me, grabbing a toe and exclaiming “How about this one?!”, and i burst into a fit of nervous giggles, i trust there won’t come a day there’s a sharp scary thing in the other hand. See? i do trust You.

…sorta. ^.^