Days, weeks, before, the thought of her brought twinges of pain, anxiety, sadness. Spending so much time tangled in those feelings, i was stuck. In almost any battle in me, emotion wins out over logic. No amount of self-introspection, journaling, talking it out could bring the acceptance from my mind into my heart.
Sometimes the Universe takes pity on me, and gives me exactly what i need. A dear friend happened to be in town last week, and we after long last finally sat face to face. Over the course of some drinks and talking late into the night, i received a gift. She said,
“ I don't want us to be sitting there at 80 years old and have him turn to me and say 'I really wish I had gotten with so-and-so back then, but I didn't because I'm so devoted to you.' I don't want any regrets.”
i was suddenly struck by how incredibly devastated i would be to hear that from The Man. For Him to miss even some small measure of joy on my account would break my heart. Realizing this, those strands of feeling that ensnared me fell away, unraveling like a dropped ball of yarn.
So it was that weekend when The Man and i happened to run into His kitty while out on the town. When He told me she would be coming Home with us, i looked for that twinge, and found none. Instead she and i simply giggled next to each other like we had some salacious secret, which is what it was.
The night was all nerves for me, and the next morning i woke well before they did. The thought of her still nestled in His bed didn't hurt, and i hummed softly to myself as i bustled about the coffee. The whole pot was gone before they awoke, as i tried to keep busy. i had another at the ready when they descended from the bedroom together, and we all sat and conversed comfortably into the afternoon.
The Man and His kitty wanted another evening, and of some import, so did i. After fear and jealousy fell away, i really liked this girl. What i liked even more was the smile she put on His face, the enjoyment He felt. Still, i liked her, a lot, and as it turns out, she likes me too. ^.^
Buoyed by all the happy feels, we all settled in for what would prove to be a very long night. i brought out the hundred or so floor cushions, bean bags (yes, hippie, shurrup), and throw pillows scattered about the house and piled them all onto the living room floor. This configuration was the very same The Man had found me splayed on many a morning as He crept into my apartment, long ago. He said it was like entering an opium den.
Talking, kissing, more talking, fooling around, talking, kissing, playing, more talking. The 'tools and implements of destruction' came out. There was one request The Man granted me, in His evening plans, something i needed. i needed that catharsis of letting go of all the fear and pain and negative feelings i had been feeling. i needed that feeling of having my soul cleansed. To dispense with the flowery language, i needed Him to beat the everloving fuck outta me. You know, the kind where you're crying and begging and snotting all over yourself until you're a limp hot mess. i needed it, and it had been a long time.
His kitty held my hands and my hair as He laid into me with the canes. i was high on the feeling as He built up the intensity, and delighted with the unexpected little yelps she gave when i playfully poked at her between strokes. His 'six best' were coming, and she held me tight as i screamed under the searing lashes. i was flying.
After, i had my 'aftercare' of a cigarette and a cold beer i'm not supposed to have, and enjoying the 'quiet' i relish. Meanwhile, He had a bit of aftercare Himself, a relaxed smile of contentment i couldn't help but mirror as His kitty's eyes met mine, her lips around His cock. i adored her.
So after more time and more talking, more kissing, when The Man gestured me toward her, i was thrilled. Pushing aside the passing moment of worry (how long has it been since? Five years, six? Remember those skills? Remember J, how she broke your heart...?)
We collapsed together, hands everywhere. “It probably won't happen”, she said, The Man declared it a challenge. He was caressing her, i was reveling in her. Time stretched on, almost, closer...as she came, finally, to orgasm under His hand, my mouth, my hands, i thought to myself;
“...she's a tough nut to crack, but so was i.”