i didn’t think it was actually going to happen. At least,
not yet. i certainly didn’t feel ready for it. After i posted last, Sir
“rewarded” me with the dog bowl that He has been apparently keeping in
the trunk of His car for a while now. That night, i ate out of it for
the first time. It may have been the hardest thing He’s had me do thus
far. He was kind enough to not make me prepare it myself, i was already
freaking out. So i knelt, and waited, hardly breathing, until He set my
dinner down in front of me on the floor. He put His feet up, and told me
to eat. i almost choked on the first bite. i wanted to cry. The second
one was easier, but i felt my face turning red and the shameful feeling
turning my stomach. A third bite, i felt sick. i had hit a wall, and
hesitated. i didn’t want to do it anymore, even for Him, even though i
knew it was what He wanted for me, and that it was something i should be
learning from, i just didn’t want to go on. Then the most amazing thing
happened. i felt His Hand on me, warm and heavy, and the lump in my
throat disappeared. i could finish. i was still hurting, still
struggling, still embarrassed and ashamed and scared, but in that moment
i knew He loved me, saw me as beautiful, even as base and humiliated as
i was.
After, he rose me up, and we discussed it. i was still so disjointed,
i couldn’t really formulate what had happened to me then. He was so
sweet, and gentle, held me and wiped my tears and told me He was proud
of me. Something had broken in me. Not something that needed to be fixed
after, dear Reader, but something that needed to be broken. It was a
wall, a fear of Him seeing me as contemptible, shameful, or unworthy
that made it so i could not, would not, allow Him to see me in a low
place. i lost that part of me that was too embarrassed to be open,
vulnerable, exposed. What He did was force me to see that He won’t be
repulsed, shocked, or repelled by His imperfect girl or all her flaws. i
am so very grateful for that. There is nothing more beautiful than the
feeling in my heart when i realized this. i am His, as i am, and He will
keep me, and make me better, perfect for Him. As painful as the
experience was, the lesson in it was well worth it.
How lucky i am to be His!
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